Keep calm and die.

Its karavaan night and band wars just got over. did not have as much fun as expected. thought it would be good if i went to band wars after a drink or two but it was not such a great idea i guess. drinking just gives a feeling of lost control but nobody can make you feel better if you dont want to or something like that. Maybe that;s what happened. not feeling good is a choice after some time. Its like i cannot get over it,and it has been a long time since. watched hangover 1 to feel better,drank cad b again. what not. maybe its just the way i want myself to be. deep,angry,depressed and hateful, sad. Ronnie also came today,he sucked totally. like all the time. sometimes i just feel like shouting at him.i talked to some people. i dont know what;s happening. i am worried about the future, i am going to almora in december for no reason. i say to myself that i am a traveller and my bussiness is travelling and its like what i should do but then that;s the priorties which are not so good for my mathematical future. i dont even know if i care or not. many times i am confused about what i want. many times i am not even sure why i am doing what i am doingg. or for that matter even why i am writing this. these past few months have been shitty reminds me of first year. there's no good aim to base one's life upon like earlier i thought that life and its decisions would be drived by the motive of being famous,rich or something like that but now those things dont even seem to matter. i dont know if that's due to the fact that i have renounced materialistic stuff or whether i gave up just because it was difficult to achieve. People around me and their decisions cannot guide me coz they are all very diverse. i have just given up on meself. and i thought teenage was the most difficult period of my life. maybe it still is.i spend most of my day on bed. what has happened to me. i hope my mind gets fixed someday.