Things have changed since I joined college. Life has become
more comfortable and also beautiful. The consequence of my actions in my
juvenile years still haunts me and I plan to undo them someday. Although some
part of me knows that I will never do that. The months I spent doing stuff has
had a great impact on me, positively or negatively I don’t know, but it has
given me more sense of aloneness and developed in me a sense of knowing the consequence
of action(and hence inaction). It was not completely my folks fault, although to
large extent it was and whatever preceded it but it was also my fault and my
determination which carried me through. That led me to topping the exams in high
school but I knew it had ruined me. The fact that now I could not stand a
moment of inaction and the fact that I couldn’t think properly and also the
fact that I was a rebel and I had anger in me, lots of it, against my parents,
my friends, teachers, and most importantly me-self. It was the strangest thing
that happened to me and continues to ruin me, inch-by-inch every day. I became
a self-hating sadistic man full of pessimism, not by need, but by choice. So that,
I could never get disappointed. And I knew I day it would pay me in full. I
would be in rags, tatters, close to death on some street, not asking for help,
and if that is situation which could not be worse, I would be there, happy,
content and death would do me good.
The anger against myself led me to be angry against everyone
else, seriously I dream of killing people. I dream of killing friends and what
not. Now I have to study so that I have something to pass my time with. And
when I get stuck, I know, somewhere from beneath, that I was never made for
this stuff, and maybe it’s not true because I am better than some people in
doing that, but I know that I am getting close to my end every day. Every hour,
every passing second. The moroseness has increased, the anger has increased, my
pervert-ness has increased, and self-hatred has increased. And I ask myself,
what is this life for?
Has it ever done anything good to you? What is the purpose
of life? Not because I am inept at doing my duties but why you do have to do
it. People live and people die. Species rise and falls. Humans won’t be on earth,
say 200 years from now. They will be wiped by self-hatred. But what is the
point?
Why is life so long? Insects die in a day, why do we get to
live long. Why .And what would I do with so much time. The guilt of inaction
rises every second and it has done me no good or so I believe. Prevent me
killing myself, being my own enemy and judging myself every second by the heavy
standards I have set. Maybe I am not making a point. As the teacher in American
History X used to say, ‘You did not get any answers, because you were not
asking the right questions’. What is that supposed to mean. In research, yes,
asking the right question is a meaningful question but what about life. When
will I have peace? Maybe I know the answer, perhaps, the day I could be able to
say, ‘it couldn’t be more bad’. I don’t know if I want to be around for that day.
I don’t believe in god, which normally serves as a motivation for people to do
so-called good stuff. I don’t believe in love, which allows people to connect
to friends, family and dogs. I don’t believe in social norms, which I believe
are just something which is transient and makes no sense, it’s just that we
happen to live in this generation where the rules are this. I don’t believe in absolute
truths, coz there aren’t any. What is the purpose of life and why should I worry
about mine. I have no fear of death coz I know it’s coming and it is coming
fast and I would know when it would take me. If this is the depression, I would
object. This is the normal state of affairs ever since I started living. I don’t
know if anything could change me now, or even if I want to. I want to be sad, unhappy,
depressed but it does not give me pleasure. I don’t want pleasure. What do I want?
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